Entries

03/19/2026
Now I know Victoria's Secret...

I was the type of girl growing up that called herself a tomboy but in all reality she had enough gender dismorphia to never feel like a girl or boy at all. I thought maybe I could be described more like a boy up until I turned 12; all of the sudden I was given attention from boys (online) and I liked it. I wanted to be a girl for the first time when I realized the power I held over boys (and men, unfortunately). I must have turned pretty at some point between being called a lesbian in the 5th grade and being hit on by strangers in anime chatrooms two years later. I found that if I sent them a picture of my face and some other things...I received much desired praise and admiration. Never before having experienced any positive feelings about my appearance, I latched on. I got a taste for the blood of attention and couldn't resist a bite. Any chance I got I took it. Which produced in me an insatiable desire to be attractive all the time. To this day I struggle not to look into glass when I pass by, to check if there is anything wrong with my face or body or posture or clothes (i'm working on it). Because God forbid if I don't look as attractive as possible.

Through highschool, I was the prudest skeez you could ever meet. I felt that I was too good to give it away, yet I couldn't turn down attention from boys. But that whole time I was doing this, it felt like I was just mimicking what 'a girl' would do...not doing what I wanted to do. It's interesting when I think about how my first sexual thoughts were about women and once I hit puberty and got attention from men, my priority switched(daddy issues?). That's an issue for a whole other day. But it makes me think about how much my life is influenced just from the male gaze. Speaking of the male gaze, when me dad would take me and my siblings to the mall, he would take us to a specific little candy station that had the cheap quarter mike n' ikes and stuff like that. It just so happened that it was right next to the Victoria's secret store, and at this point in time, they always had massive half-naked portraits of women in the windows, literally taking up the entire wall. Now, my conservative catholic parents weren't the most sex positive people to be raised by, surprise surprise. But my older sisters would make jokes about my dad gawking at the VS models while we were getting our candy and I think I noticed it too. The idea of being percieved that way by a man, shopping at that store; how could any girl who has any class shop at VS? Well a prudish young girl who thinks she's better than everyone can say that, but not me. I am not that girl anymore. And I feel so relieved by that now. I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that I am a woman.

Now I am a woman who might on occasion need a cute set of underwear, and wow that feels good. So, for the first time in 24 years, I stepped foot into the forbidden pink store filled with bright perfume and even brighter undergarments. I felt out of place. It felt like I would be percieved as a boy trying to sneak a peak. But nobody looked at me funny. I didn't want anyone to see me walk in there, let alone someone I knew. But nobody watched as I stepped into the garden of eden, because... I'm a girl. It's weird how it's so obvious for some people, to be who they were born as and know that's who they were meant to be. I have felt my whole life that I am out of place in the femosphere, even yesterday. But when I was greeted by the saleswomen who helped me into the dressing room, and during check out, I recognized that I wasn't out of place in this lingerie store. There is nothing to be ashamed about. Being a woman is kind of fun sometimes, and everyday I'm getting closer to being comfortable in my own body. A cute bra certainly helps!

03/16/2026
What's a blog anyway?

I don't know how to blog.... Am I supposed to be particularly knowledgeable? Opinionated? Is it supposed to sound like a diary? Which should I value more: the reader's takeaway or my own satisfaction? What's the purpose of this anyway? All I know is I have read a few blogs and everytime I do, I sincerely value the opinion of the blogger or the information they gave. So I'm wondering...what do I have to offer that is of value? I'm not used to writing my ideas out for many people to see. Or writing at all, as it may be evident to whoever comes across this mess of a post. But I suppose that's the purpose of this. A low-risk outlet for my poor writing skills to be on display? Wait no. A low-risk method of growing my writing skills while expressing myself somewhat publicly? That sounds...better at least. Please to whoever may be reading, don't leave just yet. Check out the other things I have to offer, assuming those pages are developed by the time you read this! Thank you for tuning in to my first blog post ever!